Let’s be honest: the Bard has had a good run. Four centuries of English teachers whispering “iambic pentameter” like it’s a Hogwarts spell, theatre majors in black turtlenecks defending Twelfth Night as peak comedy, and countless people nodding solemnly at jokes they didn’t actually understand.
But somewhere between a Publix parking lot and an alligator-infested drainage canal, a new challenger emerges: Florida Man.
The question is no longer “To be or not to be.” It’s “To wrestle or not to wrestle that alligator in the Wendy’s drive-thru while shirtless and holding a live iguana.”
And reader – comedy has evolved.
1. Plot Devices:
Shakespeare:
Cross-dressing nobles, misplaced letters, and a suspiciously large number of twins. (Twelfth Night, The Comedy of Errors… basically the same play twice, but don’t tell the scholars.)
Florida Man:
Steals a pelican. Attempts to ride it like an Uber. Arrested while explaining maritime law to the bird.
Winner: Florida Man. Shakespeare used twins; Florida Man becomes the twin of chaos and consequence, no dramaturgy required.
2. Language:
Shakespeare:
“Pray you undo this button.” Poetic. Subtle. Elizabethan foreplay.
Florida Man:
“Hold my beer.” Three words. Universal. Translates into 73 dialects of disaster.
Winner: Florida Man. Shakespeare had soliloquies; Florida Man has soundbites that double as mug-shot captions.
3. Characters:
Shakespeare:
Hamlet, eternally indecisive. Falstaff, eternally drunk. Romeo, eternally stupid.
Florida Man:
Unnamed everyman who fights a hurricane with a leaf blower, because “I pay taxes.”
Winner: Draw. Shakespeare created archetypes; Florida Man lives them daily.
4. Comedy of Errors (Literal Edition):
Shakespeare:
Mistaken identity leads to wacky misunderstandings and eventual marriage.
Florida Man:
Mistaken raccoon leads to breaking and entering charge and eventual probation.
Winner: Florida Man. Because raccoons > romance.
5. The Audience Factor:
Shakespeare:
Courts of royalty, patrons with ruffled collars, the occasional plague.
Florida Man:
All of us, doom-scrolling Twitter at 3 AM, choking on Taco Bell while reading:
“Florida Man Tries to Rob Waffle House With a Live Alligator.”
Winner: Florida Man. Shakespeare had the Globe Theatre; Florida Man has global Wi-Fi.
6. Endings:
Shakespeare:
Everybody dies. Curtains.
Florida Man:
Everybody’s arrested, one guy still escapes on a stolen flamingo float. Local news at 11.
Winner: Florida Man. Comedy, by definition, ends in marriage or survival. Florida Man somehow delivers both.
Final Verdict:
Shakespeare may have invented the stage, but Florida Man burns it down while trying to deep-fry a turkey with gasoline.
So who wrote the better comedy?
Florida Man.
Because no one has ever left Hamlet saying, “Well, at least he didn’t get tased while naked in a Denny’s.”
Brian Brijbag 